Creative ways to kill yourself – A Compendium

Depression depression… seems to get the better of me these days. There are so many things going wrong lately. First we completed our degree which meant the end of student life to most of us. Then it was vacating the hostels, which was a bigger blow. Then there is this stupid custom to fend for ourselves in the form of doing a job. And the biggest blow lies in the fact that I will have to leave for Bangalore tomorrow!

Man now this is sacrilege, blasphemous, heresy… all the adjectives fall short of describing my feelings about leaving Hyderabad and it’s biryani. You see when you stay in Hyderabad for a long period like 11 years, you automatically become a hyderabadi at heart. And ofcourse there is this pain of leaving my family too (I kinda got habituated to coming home on the weekends… though many of my friends will find that quite debatable). Then added to these already towering pains, there is also this streak of screwed up interviews, which in retrospect, were quite funny… it will make a good topic for my next blog. But all this doesn’t abate the pain I am undergoing right now :((.

Then, one day, I was taking a stroll on the beach in Chennai…err… wait a second, it wasn’t me, it was some photographer from TOI. He caught this interesting photo and the article was even more interesting. But, I couldn’t help but observe that the odd coincidence of this photo and the article, making complete sense. It is like the photograph was “engineered” in a way to appeal specially to the people of our batch. Our interest lies in the male protagonist in the photograph. There is a striking resemblance between the person in photograph and the person we know. Now ofcourse our friend denies this allegation in the sourest of terms, but, what does he know? :)

8^th August, 2005. Page Number 14, Times Of India.

No matter how hilarious the situation is, but it didn’t help my depressed state of mind at all. It made me think where the world is heading to? Man why do hot bombshells always fall for the gay’est men (gay boleto, happy and gay wala… not the homo one ;) )…ok ok, I know that there is no justice in this world because, if the world were to do justice to us, we will be picking up rags and classifying trash as “bio-degradable” and hmm… “raw material for our mess”, but Alas! We have just graduated from one of the best institutes in India.

But, the aforesaid, disturbing chain of events made me brood over the possibility of committing suicide by squeezing my balls or pulling my eye balls out of the socket. But then I thought, why not list all the possibilities of killing oneself in STYLE (I am trying to buy some time here by writing something immaterial, hope you understand my spirit to live a bit longer and do this great service to mankind).

I don’t want the news of my suicide to be a mundane one like “he hanged himself from the ceiling fan like Tom/D**k/Harry”, or “he consumed poison like Tom/D**k/Harry”, or “he slit his wrist like Tom/D**k/Harry”. The above mentioned methods don’t do justice to a creative person like yours truly :). So here are a few entries/experiments I jotted down on my “Record Book” (yes I believe in doing everything in a systematic manner, even when it involves killing myself!)

Experiment 1

Aim : To kill yourself creatively.

Apparatus : Our own mess “food” (there is a reason for my quoting the so called food ok).

Procedure : (Now if you were thinking that this experiment involves eating of mess “food” to die, damn you don’t know what creativity is at all! I pray to god that even my enemies shouldn’t have the ill fate of eating the “food” here ;) ) Take a small sample of our mess “food” in a plate. Now remove all your protective clothing and your hand gloves. Don’t forget to remove your mask. Now that we have removed all the protective anti-radiation suit, the harmful radiations from our mess “food” will do the job in couple of minutes.

Note : The radiation emanating from the “food” is strong enough. Don’t get over enthusiastic and actually consume the “food”!

Observation : All the harmful radiation in the spectrum were found emanating from the sample taken.

Conclusion : mess “food” is the best way to kill yourself and also, it is available thrice a day!

Experiment 2

Aim : To kill yourself creatively.

Apparatus : lots of money.

Procedure : Using the money, take a flight to London. After landing at the Heathrow airport, when you come across the police personnel, just start running in the opposite direction.

Note : For best results, sport a stubble and have a constipated look on your face. Your skin colour and your Asian origin will do the rest.

Observation : Probability of your head brimming with bullets is approximately = 1.1

Conclusion : Success guaranteed under the present scenario.

Experiment 3

Aim : To kill yourself creatively.

Apparatus : A blunt blade, balls(metaphorical ones)

Procedure : Take the blunt blade and start rubbing it on your throat.

Note : Blood loss might result in you passing out and fail in your quest.

Observation : A messy experiment in general. Tests your drive.

Conclusion : Tests have shown that it is quite impossible to survive in a decapitated state.

Experiment 4

Aim : To kill yourself creatively.

Apparatus : Manja or a copper wire (without the sheath of course!), a tree or a ceiling fan

Procedure : This is a variant of “hanging from the ceiling by a rope” procedure. In place of a rope, you are using the manja, which is used when flying kites or the copper wire.

Note : the manja/copper wire and the ceiling fan or the tree branch should be able to support your weight.

Observation : More effective than the rope version.

Conclusion : Quite a practical method but lacks much creativity because we are effectively changing the variables here (from rope to wire).

Experiment 5

Aim : To kill yourself creatively.

Apparatus : A 2 inch pocket knife, a handkerchief

Procedure : Tie your handkerchief around your face. Hold the pocket knife menacingly in your hand. Go to a butcher’s shop and threaten them to give you all their money or bear the consequence (waving your pocket knife).

Note : Choose a shop with more number of butchers for better result.

Observation : Human flesh, like the animal flesh is quite susceptible to the butcher’s blade.

Conclusion : Don’t know whether it is more creative or taking dumbness to a new extreme... but what the heck, I like this one :).

Experiment 6

Aim : To kill yourself creatively.

Apparatus : A pistol, president of the US

Procedure : Approach the president and take out your pistol. Strike an impressive pose (like the one in the promos of “James Bond” flicks ) in front of the president.

Note : There might be a risk of failure in your attempt if the secret service is too intelligent and allows you to shoot the president and then award you a medal of honor for saving the US from the embarrassment that he is.

Observation : Security of the US president is quite impressive.

Conclusion : The best method to be famous and also dead!

Experiment 7

Aim : To kill yourself creatively.

Apparatus : A pistol, large number of blanks (i.e. fake bullets, you @#$%)

Procedure : Go to a bank and hold everybody hostage. When all the police battalions (including the ones from the neighboring states) arrive with their semi-automatics and AK47s, come out of the bank and start shooting the blanks at them at random.

Note : Wait till there are enough policemen.

Observation : Probability of “atleast” one policeman hitting the target out of the 100s assembled, is quite good.

Conclusion : You get to mock the police and fool them too, before dying i.e.

Experiment 8

Aim : To kill yourself creatively.

Apparatus : a lot of worst movies ever made.

Procedure : Just watch all the movies in a row. Movies like “Pootie Tang”, “The Ring”, “The Village”, “Gigli”, “Signs”, “Naach”, “Jaani Dushman” are known to be injurious to health. Any cheap hindi or telugu remake of any English blockbuster will do too. Try to fight off slumber by using gadgets as shown in the image below

Note : Movies like “Jaani Dushman” can be hilariously stupid. Don’t forget to keep all these movies in a playlist lest you lose some valuable “Entertainment” time changing the disks or even double clicking.

Observation : zzzZZZ

Conclusion : Quite a painful way to die.

Experiment 9

Aim : To kill yourself creatively.

Apparatus : Rain fall, large varieties of mosquitoes.

Procedure : Go out in the rain and keep your mouth open. Wait till it is filled with water. Try to drink as much water as possible until your stomach explodes or you choke to death (can also be done with anything to eat, like peanuts or chips etc. etc.). If both of the above things don’t happen, the mosquitoes will definitely take care of you, especially when there is an epidemic of malaria and dengue.

Note : You might have a neck cramp or something when facing the sky for long durations. You don’t want to be unfit when you kill yourself. Or else, it wont account to suicide you jacks, it will be like dying of some disease!

Observation : There were cases of irritability due to a rash caused by the wet clothes.

Conclusion : This method of dying is only for the most patient of humans.

Experiment 10

Aim : To kill yourself creatively.

Apparatus : Red, white and black paint.

Procedure : Take off your shirt, paint round concentric circles of alternate colours of white and black and put a big red dot at the centre. Now you have a custom made bulls-eye on your shirt. Now go to a firing range where the army is training its cadets in well.. shooting (what else did you expect in a firing range you dumbasses?)and replace one of the targets with yourself.

Note : Stand completely still for better results.

Observation : Our army cadets are GOOD with guns :).

Conclusion : It makes you wonder about the last moments of Mata-Hari somehow…

Miscellaneous Experiments

1) Chatting on your cell phone on the railway track, holding your other ear with your hand to cut out all the train whistles disturbing you.

2) Try to learn the composition of a hand grenade by sawing it open laterally.

3) Drying your wet clothes on a high voltage power line.

4) Drinking water from the “Tank Bund” (really don’t know which moron will do that).

5) Do a ghulam trick, just with a variation that you don’t jump out when the train arrives.

6) Attending all the classes…. And then meeting the placement officer to top it all off.

7) Pillion riding with some of the most illustrious drivers of our time viz. Cheddi, Undar, Pondy, Tejo etc. etc.

8) Wearing Red clothes from head to toe and then trying to pull off as a cowboy in the vicinity of angered cattle.

9) Strangle yourself… don’t let yourself to blackout due to oxygen depravation (now that’s tricky).

10) Well there are always diseases like AIDS, Cancer etc. etc. (if all the above methods fail)

The list is quite endless. But there might still be some more creative ideas. You see I don’t want to do away with anything that is inferior. It has to be the best way possible. Truly an “Idea to die for”! So until then, let me try and adjust with this wretched life of mine.

PS0 : To add to my depression, I have to inform you with a heavy heart that my biographical flick (see two posts below or follow this ) has been shelved owing to some financial troubles due to the alleged “links” of the producer with the underworld and the cameraman being shot in London when he was jogging in the park listening to his brand new i-pod in the opposite direction of the police (you see, he couldn’t have heard their soft plea to stop). Also there were some reports sparking apprehensions that the movie would not be received with the enthusiasm which was expected at the start of the venture.

PS1 : I am going to the movie “Mangal Pandey – The Rising” after much ado (You know, this movie is booked for a month or so), had to tell dad how patriotic the movie is (my father watches only patriotic movies and police flicks.. the only exception being Lagaan… basically, he hates watching movies in the theater). He made a phone call and lo… I hear a Merc E-Class screech to halt in front of our gate and the owner of Sangeet himself (some Tiwary) has come to deliver the tickets to us personally, that too for the first day second show… “Profession ho to aisa!” .. now I too want to be an IPS officer :). Does anybody know the easiest subjects and the syllabus for the UPSC?

PS2 : In my effort to assimilate as much of Hyderabad as possible in the last day of my stay here, we are going to Nagarjuna sagar to see all the gates open in their full glory today (13^th August, 2005)!

PS3 : This might as well be my last posts. And I am taking a bow on a … ya you guessed it right.. on a “Depressing” note. You see, there is a vague possibility that the company wont pay me to sit on my a$$ and might contemplate MAKING me work.

PS4 : No “Shaik of Hyderabad”/s was/were hurt/killed/injured in the above experiments.